“I am not motivated, I’m just responsible”

 

Louise Beaver

One Sunday night, while fretting about ungraded year 10 papers, I was flicking through the channels and stopped to watch “Child of Our Time,” a social study where 20 British children born in 2000 will be documented until the age of 25. The purpose of the televised documentary is to see if their life experiences really do affect the people they grow up to be. While watching, a comment made by one mother particularly struck me: “I not motivated I’m just responsible.” I started to ponder, is that me?

I, like most young female teachers trying to carve a career in the British secondary education system, find I spend my whole life working. I’m not on a sympathy vote, here. Not at all. I chose my job fully aware of its pros and cons. I love my job and that is the long and short of it. It regularly annoys the hell out of me but I do love it, and would not do anything else. Yet, I spend too much of my weekend working: preparing and marking before I even start on the mundane things like cleaning the bathroom, and wait, I haven’t even thought about chilling with my cats for company. All these tasks need be to done, but they get completed nearly every weekend. I have trouble deciding if my energy stems from pure motivation to complete these tasks, or from a fear that if I don’t do them, then who will? What will be the consequences?

As a history teacher, I deal with cause and consequence every day. I often day dream about what would happen on Saturday at 8.30am if I did not scrub the bathroom. Would it stay there getting dirtier? I’m convinced my partner thinks it cleans itself. Would he realise and then acknowledge that he could help, or would I become so guilty that someone may pop round unplanned and see it in the dirty state and whisper to all who know me about my dirty bathroom, that I end up cleaning it myself?

Alas, I know this answer and it would be the latter. So why am I so bothered? Am I motivated to do such things because I am an inspiring person who likes to get things done, or is it because I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt and responsibility that I do not trust other people to have? I can be inspiring: my job and students rely on me to be dynamic and motivated. Yet, I also know that I, a professional woman, would much rather spend Saturday watching the OC and Lost on reruns, numbing my brain and easing the ordeals of the working week.

I guess that I pick up the pieces and over exert myself because I am a woman and it is my responsibility to do so. Or at least, I believe it is my responsibility. I am the one who has control issues and cannot allow myself to ask for help in case that suggests I’m not motivated. Yet, I resent myself for feeling an overwhelming sense of responsibility over everything. So that leads me back to the question am I motivated or just responsible? Honestly, I’m not sure if I know the answer.